What I wish I had known...

What I wish I had known at the beginning….

Seriously, just writing that sends me careening back into so many emotions and fears that the unknown brings. Deep breath Lisa, deep breath. Ok, let’s just deep dive right in, shall we?

A quick history of how we entered the special needs world: husband and I chose to step very slowly and tentatively into the option of adoption. To be real, I was all in! I had been praying to get to this point for five years already but I knew for hubby to feel “safe” to examine adoption we would have to go at a snails pace. 

We began with weekly classes which helped explain the ins and outs of adoption, the what-ifs, the long term ramifications. The Social Workers were amazing and so great at explaining everything in minute detail which frankly, was causing my man to really question if we should continue forward. So, we decided we would make it very clear to the Social Workers that we would not be open to any special needs at all.  Neither one of us had any experience or history with special needs and it scared us. 

Oh man, I can feel your anger at me already but I told you this space would be real. Totally open and refreshingly honest so this is how it went down.. Anyhow, fast forward a couple of months into these classes, and hubby and I had several meetings with the Social Worker and had adamantly reminded her of our refusal to check the boxes saying we’d be open to this special need or that special need. (Full disclosure: when adopting internationally you are given a checklist asking which special need you would feel open to in a child you adopt. It is standard procedure and you can state you are not open to any, which is what we did).  

Anyhow, this quick history is getting quite long…sorry about that. If you know me in real life this does not surprise you at all. 😃 Let’s just wrap this story up by saying that God had other plans for the Lease household and boy am I ever grateful He did! Our daughter came home to us at 15 1/2 months and according to her history she had a pit or an indent on her ear that could indicate a very slight hearing loss. We found out several months in that she was actually deaf in one ear and significantly hard of hearing in the other and…….had autism. Our journey had begun….

We were blindsided!  We loved this little girl with our whole hearts, she was absolutely everything we had imagined our daughter would be all those months we waited to hear who God had chosen for us. The diagnosis didn’t change that but it did bring lots of questions, concerns, doubts and worries to the forefront. At first, I didn’t want to believe it and basically pretended they (the doctors) were wrong. That worked for awhile until we brought our next child home, a two and half year old son. He literally, and figuratively, turned our world upside down. 

This is where the heaviness seems to cover me. Remember, I’m telling you our story and I’m doing it to share that it’s normal to feel lots of different emotions when you hear that diagnosis. There’s not one right answer to how you should feel. Each one of us is different, we process different and we have different past histories that also affect how we process. 

I can still remember exactly where I was sitting when I received a phone call discussing what the evaluators found in their testing. It was like a wave crashed over me and I don’t know if you’ve ever had that happen at the beach but just when you think you can get your footing and take a breath you are knocked over again and then you’re scraping across the sandy bottom, twisting, reaching out with your hands for anything that can help you stand up. When you finally are able to stand, you are taking deep breaths like your life depends on it. That is what this felt like for me. Did I love my son? Absolutely! Would I have given my life for him? No doubt about it! That doesn’t change the fact that we had entered a vastly different world then we ever imagined, or truthfully, wanted to be a part of. 

My emotions were all over the place. I had to process…alot. This changed the trajectory of my plans for our family. And honestly, it has been beyond a doubt, the craziest ride I’ve ever been on. There is more to our story but for now I wanted to lay that foundation to get into the topic at hand….What I wish I had known at the beginning.

So, what do I wish I had known? That it was going to be ok. That these children were exactly where they needed to be. I will be honest and tell you that this is one thing I struggled with, and still do occasionally. Were we the right parents? Maybe they would have made more progress or been better off with another adoptive family. I mean, let’s face it, we haven’t had the finances available to give them the best schools or therapies. I always say we aren’t rich in money but boy we are rich in love and that’s great until you need the money to pay for the therapies!

I wish I had known that I was stronger than I thought. I bet you are too! You might not believe it yet but maybe that’s because you haven’t had to be until now. I promise you, it’s in you and as you go, your strength will grow. 

My babies were the same before and after the diagnosis. The diagnosis doesn’t change them it just helps you to know which way you need to go to help them be the best they can be. 

For years I fought the “labels”. I didn’t want my kids to be seen a certain way. I think I would tell myself not to do that. The labels help get the services, the therapies, the support they need. The labels help you, as the parent, to get the support and understanding you need.

I wish I would have known how much my children would teach me. They have been my best teachers! To see the world through their eyes is priceless. The purity of heart my daughter naturally has is so refreshing from that of the world. The grit and determination of the one who has undergone countless procedures, surgeries, blood draws and doctor visits. The zest for life of the one who struggles the most with normal, mundane tasks. 

And lastly, I wish I would have known then that my life, although vastly different from what I had imagined, would be exceptionally beautiful. The gift of these children is beyond anything I deserved and I am humbled they call me momma! 

So friend, if you are at that place of just hearing the diagnosis and you're in that crashing wave, I’m reaching for your hand. I want to help you gain your footing. I want to use my life experiences to remind you there’s beauty in the now. It may not feel like it but that’s ok. Trust me, you will look back and you will see the weaving of your life, the past, the present and the future and it will be beautiful! 

Until then, just keep taking the next step, keep loving your precious ones, keep showing up. If you have a question or just need to talk please reach out to me. I’d love to help. Remember, there’s joy in the journey….we just have to look for it!

Lisa💕